Savannah Taylor
Tears
I hate it
that I cry
when I’m angry
when I want to rage
and scream
and fight
and snarl
and seethe
and simmer
in fury.
But anger is a time machine.
It shows itself, puts a
foot in the door,
and suddenly I’m thirteen,
an ant staring up at a bear,
a grain of sand pushed around
by the sea.
I can’t remember who I am
or who I’ve grown to be.
When I’m angry
I am just a child holding
onto the roaring ferocity inside me
and trying not to let it burst.
When I’m angry, I am anchored,
and just a little girl,
and all I know is that it hurts.
***Trigger Warning: This poem depicts struggles with sexual assault.
The Worst Thing
No, the worst thing that could
happen to me is not death.
It’s not murder and it’s not
taking my last breath.
The worst thing that could
happen to me already did.
At 17, just a kid.
Didn’t end in a funeral home or a casket,
but an average looking bed.
You think that the worst thing would be
claws or piercing teeth to the head
but the worst thing is waking up yourself
and going to sleep wishing you were dead.
You say that at least I survived
but how can you say that when
you don’t know what got left behind?
What was ripped from within?
Do you know what it’s like
to scratch and scrub at your skin?
Praying that a shower would clean the places
that unwanted fingers have been?
But hands can haunt the
same way a ghost can.
Phantom touches unseen
and the ringing in your ears
from when you wanted to scream.
Even a hug from someone you love
feels too close, like drowning in gasoline.
When a memory will never go down the drain,
it tends to turn into a permanent stain.
And you still try to say
that death is the worst thing?
I don’t think a bear would hurt me this way.
I don’t think a bear would curse me this way.
I think if I saw a bear today
at least I’d know where my body would lay.
At least I’d know that my soul wouldn’t decay.
Even if a bear took my life,
at least it’d never change who I am inside.
So, no, the worst thing that could
happen to me is not death.
It’s not murder and it’s not
taking my last breath.
The worst thing that could
happen to me already did.
Savannah Taylor is a University of Cincinnati Alumni. She graduated with an Associate of Arts in English Literature before going on to pursue a degree in Secondary Education and English at NKU. Throughout her years as a young high school student and later as a college student, she always had a passion for writing poetry. She found that during her years of mental health challenges and internal struggles, poetry was the only thing that kept her going at times. She even worked on campus in several roles at UC Clermont as an academic writing tutor in the Writing Center, as a writer for UC’s newspaper The Lantern, and as an editor for the East Fork Literary Journal. Now she is honored to work for UC Clermont as a staff member, helping students on the next part of their academic journey while still writing poetry on her own time as inspiration strikes. The memories she has of her time spent at UC Clermont are precious to her, as she met some incredible professors who helped shape her along her journey and encouraged her to use her voice during many fundamental moments of her life.